A copy
of a letter sent to :-
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House
17 Smith
Square
London
SW1P 3JR
16 May
2007
Dear
Secretary of State,
My
friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is
the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this
endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU
under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon
pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as
gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare
breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too
many people already not rearing these?
As I see
it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or
Local Authority courses on this?
My
friend is very satisfied with this business, he has been rearing pigs
for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in
1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not
rearing any.
If I get
£3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I
plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first
year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more
ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my
second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your
department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon
credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane
gases ?
Another
point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of
cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.
Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't rear?
I am
also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several
thousand hectares)?
In view
of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your Party at the next general election.
Yours
faithfully,
**** ****
www.quiz4free.com
