Questions That Haunt Me

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway…

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why – do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
~~~ Now pass this on to your friends and make them smile too! ~~~

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? – (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

1b. -No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
— Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

5b. -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

6b.  -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7
6c. -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is …….
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? (Joke)

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does”.

Gunslinger Tips

Gunslinger Tips

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest
gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me
some tips?’ he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your
leg.”Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.’Sure
will,’ replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.’That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any
more tips for me?’

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it, that’ll give you a smoother draw”Will that make me a better
gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.’You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.’Wow!’ exclaimed the
cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man went over to the can
and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. ‘No,’ said the
old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won’t hurt as much’.

British Humour – Grown ups only!

British Humour – Grown ups only!

Enjoy:

Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.



A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts “who’s been ******g my wife?” A voice in the back shouts ” you don’t have enough bullets”…..



My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of “don’t worry babe, your tits cover it” wasn’t the answer she was looking for.

My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said “I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help”.
So I sent her a timetable.

I cannot stand people who think they’re worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!